Ill get it started......

It’s good to be kiwi...

Hello, is this the police?"
Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Rangi. He's hiding
Cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
Early next morning, police officers descend on Rangi's
House in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the
Shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece
of firewood
but they find no cocaine. They swear at Rangi and leave.
The phone rings at Rangi's house.
"Hey, Rangi, Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yeah."
"Happy Birthday Bro!"

Heres a Funny story from a US Newspaper...

Mcdonalds new Happy meal??


Keith and Andrea Irelan got quite a surprise on Monday night when they went through a McDonald's drive-thru in suburban Chicago and ordered three Happy Meals for their children.

One of the packages contained a bag of marijuana. But the Irelans didn't notice that until after they got to a nearby park for a picnic. That's when their 8-year-old daughter noticed a few odd things in her package.

First she found a lighter. Then she found a pipe and a bag of marijuana. The Irelans immediately took it to police, who determined that it belonged to a 17 year-old high school senior who worked at the McDonald's.

He's been charged with possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. He's also been fired. McDonald's has apologized to the Irelans but they say they still might sue.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy,
"Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
>Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

Post edited by: Simon, at: 2007/05/18 11:49

A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him, finding him sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee.
He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall, she sees him wipe a tear from his eye as he takes a sip of coffee. 'What's the matter darling' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here in the early hours of the morning'.
The husband looks up from his coffee and sighs, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only sixteen?' 'Yes I do dear' she replies.
The husband paused, the words not coming easily with a tremor in his voice, 'Do you remember when your father, the circuit judge, caught us fondling and kissing each other passionately in the back of my car?'.
'Yes I do my sweet, I remember it well' she said lowering herself into the chair next to him and putting an arm around his shoulder. He continued, 'Do you remember he put the shotgun into my face and said
"Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20
years". 'I remember that too' she replied softly.He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today'

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blond replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl,
and tells them:
" Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
"Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each."
" However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and says, "You root her again."

The Legless Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says
aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
'psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the postman de livered the ! mail today, your wife greeted
him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her
nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'Oh No!,' he exclaims. 'Then what?'
'Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going
down....'
'WELL,' demands the frantic guy, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

Hypnotist

At the old folk's home, the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced (unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up there to be put into a trance), "I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd was mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into hundreds of pieces.............."SH*T!" said the hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the old folks' home.

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY
WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING.
I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD
BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.
AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING,LET ALONE "HAPPY
BIRTHDAY."
I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL
REMEMBER.
MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOME WHAT DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.
I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."
I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO.
WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY . ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT." AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED. SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".
AND I JUST SAT THERE...


ON THE COUCH...


....




NAKED.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked,"Harry, what's your problem?" "I'm too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Harry answered.
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looked at Ms. Brooks and said to her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks replied "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asked, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval,delicious
and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!