One day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke
grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.
The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her
back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk
and groaning.)
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man.
They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away.
It was too much!) "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in
yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there." Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

Post edited by: Honeybee, at: 2007/06/01 11:37

nice joke indeed. funny how innocent children can be. Shame they have to grow up aye. haha.

"Hello?"
"Hi honey.

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom

with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

"But honey,

you haven't got

an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do,

and he's upstairs in the room

with Mommy,

right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then,

this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone

down on the table,

run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door

and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car

just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy,

just a minute."

A few minutes later

the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?"

he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared,

jumped out of bed

with no clothes on

and ran around screaming.

Then she tripped over the rug,

hit her head on the dresser

and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!!

What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed

with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared

and he jumped out of the back window

and into the swimming pool.

But I guess he didn't know

that you took out the water

last week to clean it.



He hit the bottom of the pool

and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool?

Is this

486-5731?"

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bankbook that showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank, which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

EVER WONDER where we are headed...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if
we couldjust get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company; I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

After a night of terrible over indulgence a man wakes up with an AWFUL hangover and looks around his bedroom, he sees his clothes neatly folded on the bedside dresser, there is a note from his wife saying ''i love you darling breakfast is on the table downstairs, im outside mowing the lawn for you''.

He walks downstairs and sure enough there is a cooked breakfast waiting on the table for him and his wife is outside doing his weekend chores for him, once his son comes and joins him at the breakfast table the man asks
''um what happened last night son?''

His son replies well dad you came home at around 4 am singing loudly, you were sick in the door step you tracked mud up the stairs and had a piss in the airing cupboard''

the man asks ''then why the hell is your mother being so sweet!''

his son responds ''well dad when mum got you into the bedroom and started to take your clothes you screamed ''get off you tart im married!''

EVER WONDER where we are headed...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start"
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavor?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the
indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal"
if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because
>of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer
goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping".
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap".
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost".
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down".
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating".
(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication".
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if
we couldjust get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness".
(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts".
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company; I blame the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted – it taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Please note, although no boardcode and smiley buttons are shown, they are still useable
Home Of New Zealand Number one Car Audio Shop

www.webdesign.bignoise.co.nz

Three dogs are sitting in a veterinarian's office, all looking sad and sheepish like dogs in such a place usually do.

The first one says, "s***, guys, I made a serious mistake and I bit the mailman right in the leg. They're putting me to sleep." The other two say, "Oh my god, that's so harsh; I'm so sorry" and so on.

The second one replies, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I just can't stop pissing on the floor, so I'm being put to sleep too." Again, the other two offer their sympathies.

The first two look expectantly at the third. He decides to give up his own story.

"Well, guys," he says, "My owner likes to do her housework in the nude. So the other day she bent over to vaccuum under the couch, and I thought, 'What the hell', so I jumped on and had the ride of my f****** life."

The other two dogs looked at him in total shock. "Wow," they said, "You must be getting put to sleep too."

"No," he says, "She's having my nails clipped."

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the
aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to
the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back
with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-
ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.